That being said, im writing this at 11:15pm on St. Patrick's Day (March 17) but since i am actually posting it on another day i'll leave that one and just recall when i wrote it.
---
Today was a day of up's a down's for various reasons. I've been feeling bad (emotionally) and well i've been fucking some things up. some of which i'll discuss in this space.
-I needed money to pay my ex-girlfriend, money she told me on my birthday i shouldn't worry anymore about paying her because it was my ''gift''. Little i know that gift was only a way for her to have me there because she played that card like 2 times and well i was stupid enough (as someone pointed out) to be there not actually because of that but it had a part on it. I decided i was going to be brave and last wednesday (the day of my horrific 5) i was going to tell her how i felt, how i really felt meaning that i felt (and still feel when i think about it) that it was a sick relationship, when we talked we fought over and over again, she accused my best friend of wanting to love me and in the end actually wanted me to choose between my friend and her- that was just not me.
Her thoughts straight people can't be friends with gay people because they always want them. I didn't agree, i didn't choose she yelled i yelled then we made up, then i thought over and over again and on wednesday i told her that- Not sane anymore, and that doesn't mean i don't love you (which until friday was entirely true).
I was supposed to call her at night and i didn't because of my grade, i had to retake that test the next day and i really needed to study, she told me to call her that it will only take her a minute so i did. she said everything was ok she agreed with me and that she wanted me in her life as friends but not like BFF just friends, which in my language translates as 'i know you but don't call' i agreed- i was very worried about my grade and i really didn't want to fight anymore. i was having everyday headaches because of the fights and the pressure. It was all okay, as i wrote the other day it was a good day on thursday and then friday the 13th of hell.
I was happy about the beach and i was joining on some beach-shopping when at exactly 3pm she called. I answered and she said what i thought she would: remember the last present i gave you? -Yes i do. Well that one im going to have to take back, i don't really need it but i'll see what i will use it for. I panicked she knew i didn't have it and that i would be in a extremely amount of pressure to get it and she did it anyways, i understand is her money and all but you don't just give and take back as simple as that. Or at least thats what i always have thought. So i asked for help and now i have her money and i will tell her nothing at all, or probably i will tell her every little thing i hate and how i hated the way she handled this, i now regret so many things but you have to learn from everything.
-He is going to help me, he is good to me and i fucked up hard (remember several times i said) i went on a mini vacation (i haven't forgot the pics!) and i didn't see him for 3 days and the first thing that comes out of my mouth is 'did you get the money' what am i an idiot? no i know im not, im just a worried ass person who had nothing in her mind but that money because i received an email with the pay date so yes i was worried and i know i was a jerk and i told you i was sorry before but it won't hurt if i say it again. IM SORRY! and thank you so very much!!
---
I was going to write about my JJ and my JJ happens to be him, he is my friend, he knows im gay and he knows how i function and he doesn't judge, he does disaprove of some stuff and speaks his mind about it but he is kind an honest as well, i love him (as friends but of course!) and he asked me something that you will get to see if you happen to watch Skins (i know i promised ep. 2 been trying but they disconnect me 'they=home' you'll get it i promise!). And then you will understand.
I shared my point of view about it and how i felt, if it does happen then i will make someone happy if it doesnt it will be because of destiny of because someone changed his mind. But i agreed and now i understand Emily and i totally respect her for that. not that i ever did the opposite. and yes i know its a TV show!
JJ & Emily
---
I may cry on friday when i get to see Em's episode if it turns out to be what i (and allot of people) don't want it to happen i just have to wait. dld. and see! -- I need to study for exam 3. maybe ill do it tomorrow and then ill study (yes i can i get 2 chances per exam! how cool! and no they are not the same!)
---
Now i will get going hoping that you don't have to go through what i went through its my wish for your life. Its not pretty but you do learn who to trust and to validate some aspects you thought were missing or not there.
Enjoy your life. Im now free and planning to do the same. No pressure i will just be me and do what i want when i want not worrying about Her and that i have to talk to her, i have to sms, nothing. Its good.
---
And just because im still obsessed!
Labels: Gayness, In a random world, Me, Obsessed, Skins
Glad to see a long post from you! It's good to get your feelings out and what better way than to write them out.
Sorry about your money situation but that seems to be what everyone makes a fuss over. Your ex-girlfriend sounds like she isn't handling things very well and knows asking what she did would upset you. It's hard but try not to let her make you angry.
Also you're very lucky to have a friend like you do. Not many of my friends know that I'm gay and any of them that do don't like to talk about it, like it should be a secret.
and I wanted to comment about one of your posts before about the final L Word episode. I found it on YouTube and agree it was terrible. What a bad way to end the series!
Take care and hope things get better for you soon!